If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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