I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
