I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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