Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
