Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
