hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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