in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
