I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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