Someone shit on the floor
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
The best revenge is premature balding
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
