Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
