There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
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You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
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I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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