her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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