i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
