Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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