My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
