Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
