i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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