I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
