Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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