You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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