Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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