I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
