I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
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The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Pants are for mortals
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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