I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
