Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i wish my penis had a tongue
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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