Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
It's blow job season.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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