I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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