Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
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