Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
