I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
