If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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