I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
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He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
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Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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