If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
