Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
