Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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