I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
