I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
