I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
