So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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