i would punch a child for taco bell
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I am midnight drunk by noon
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
