fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
