Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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