And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
