I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
