Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
