im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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