sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
