you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
