2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
