like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
