just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Randomize
