The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
