i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
